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Better Watchman than Witness

I have previously stated that I am a Watchman for God. I believe that with my whole heart. Here is my struggle…

There are a few people, and they know who they are, that I am lead to specifically be their watchman. However, I also believe I am supposed to share with the world everything that God is doing, showing and preparing to do in the very near future so that they too may prepare and also be watchman.

First of all, I am like many people, and when someone starts going on and on about God I will tune them out. It’s not for any reason, other than I strongly dislike being spoken AT and not being spoken TO by someone. I don’t like pushy or self-righteous people that are too in my face either. I am also an introvert. I feel incredibly uncomfortable in new or strange settings or around people I am not familiar with in any setting. I tend to stay back, stick to the side of who I am accompanying or blend into the background. I have no doubt that my overcautious nature along with my need to check and double check everything I say, stems from my troubled childhood. When a person grows up feeling unwanted, unworthy and is abused; they develop either a very low self-esteem or become quite closed off. Because I don’t like conformity; I went with both low self-esteem and closed off.  That’s a joke, I didn’t choose any of it; I adapted to my environment. Unfortunately, despite my age and experiences prevailing and now consistently portraying my confidence and independence; I tend to revert to my childhood patterns under stress and shut down.

On the flip side, if I feel comfortable, accepted and safe; I probably go too far the other way and may blabber on and on about stuff that some consider to be too much information. It’s hard to find the balance sometimes. Because I don’t work outside of the house, I spend way too much time with dogs and pets and lack human interaction sometimes; so rambling is more a result of having a human to talk to than having anything of importance to really say. Sadly true and now we are all experiencing this together as I ramble….

Back to the topic: I truly want to shout from the rooftops all the information and research I have found to help everyone see the truth of God; to really let them know Him. I struggle with approaching strangers and despite my love of the Lord; I just suck at witnessing for Him. I am hoping that social media will help me fix this dilemma with the anninimity of the internet, relieving the face-to-face pressure.

As I stated earlier, my childhood was not perfect. It wasn’t as horrible as a lot of other people’s I have no doubt. From my perception, it was awful. My own siblings have a completely different memory of the same house I grew up in too. My siblings also didn’t experience the same things I did growing up.  I have very few childhood memories of my parents and the ones I do have are heavily outnumbered by the bad ones. I can look back as an adult and see lots of just poor decision making on behalf of my parents that perhaps in that time was their best choice. However, as a child during those poor decisions, it was rough and seemed very cruel.  I imagine that every person that grew up with any form of abuse, reasoned with it in their own way. I further imagine that the form of abuse had a lot to do with the depth of its impact on the person’s life. The deeper and more sinister the abuse; the darker and more impacting the effect.

When a young girl grows up in a divided household (my biological parents divorced in my infancy so I was raised by a step-parent), and is always put down, ignored, never praised for accomplishments despite all the repeated efforts and lives in the shadows of other favorite siblings; she begins to think and eventually accept that she is obviously unworthy of all those positive accolades and feelings others receive instead of her. I had an older biological sibling and 2 younger step-siblings from my mother’s remarriage.  From earliest memory I didn’t belong. I didn’t have the same last name as the rest of the family.  My older sibling and I were often verbally singled out as being ‘Her’ kids and not my step-dad’s. The younger siblings were my step-father’s favorites and my older sibling was my mother’s favorite. Middle child syndrome on steroids defined my early childhood. If only that was the worst of it. Imagine the worst thing someone could do to a child and let someone do to their child: bingo you have my childhood through adolescence and all the twisted thinking, logic and dysfunction that brings with it.

Top all of that dysfunction and insecurity off with adults struggling with infidelities and alcohol abuse and the Brady Bunch we were NOT. This has always been a great conflict. These were still my parents and no matter how heinous their actions; I always fell back on the ‘but she’s my Mom’ or “but he’s my Dad’ mentality. I wouldn’t let it dominate my feelings for them.  My step-dad was my Dad. Good or bad; he did raise me and put a roof over my head. My biological father went off and remarried and had a replacement family, so my older sibling and I were essentially orphaned by him. I adored my step-father. I called him Dad, because he was my Dad.  Correction, I adored him, unless he was drinking or wasn’t his usual self. There were times when his eyes turned black and cold and those times are the things of my nightmares to this day. Deep down in my buried subconscious mind those terrible, dark memories are locked away and pushed way down to the point of non-existence. There are times though, when certain events trigger those dark memories and I find myself trapped in a cycle of hellish nightmares and spiritual torment.

Being estranged from my parents and siblings, for the sake of my children and their well being, has been horrific for me because in my imaginary world; I wanted the Normal Rockwell family. When my step-dad died it devastated me. I tried to reach out to him when I knew he was ill but met roadblocks and interference. I think I was holding out for an acknowledgment of what he had done and to be asked for forgiveness. Everything felt unresolved; I had no closure. I was really angry. I knew my parents professed a strong faith and belief in God and I could not wrap my mind around how either of them could be saved and forgiven by the same God that I knew. Worse, both of my parents vehemently deny all of the things that happened during our childhood; so how could they be truly forgiven for something they deny? I didn’t get it. I know I lost my Dad; and felt every emotion that goes with that loss; but I did it without my family because I was excluded until after it was too late for any closure and too late to make wrongs right. In my grieving, I was flooded with memories and flashbacks that tormented me for months.

God did give me peace and for that I am grateful. I also realize that I forgave my parents, for myself. It didn’t matter what they did or didn’t acknowledge because God knows the truth and what happened and their will be an accounting at judgment.

As a young child, I remember going to church with any friend that would invite me to go with them. I loved going to church on Sunday and school during the week. I was weird. I always hungered for a way out of my private hellish existence. God provided that for me. I have multiple memories of being not only prophecied to, but feeling the presence of God. I truly believe looking back, that it was God that kept me sane during the roughest and most abusive times in my life. My desire to know, love and serve God kept me from becoming bitter, resentful and vengeful; I have no doubt about that at all.  As an adult, I lost to the anger more than I did as a child, and reacted in anger as well.  I know that it was the presence of God deep within my heart that always made the difference in the right direction.

Remember the movie “The Italian Job” with Mark Wahlberg? There is a line in the movie that states that “I trust everyone, I just don’t trust the devil inside them”. That explains my thinking completely and my dysfunctional relationship with my parents growing up. I truly believe that God blessed me with the gift of discernment at an early age (2nd or 3rd grade) and I remember thinking when I saw the blackness in my step-dad’s eyes that there was an evil at work within him. Perhaps I was crazy, but that thought helped me to continue to have a relationship, love and be loyal to someone that did unmentionable things to me as a child and young girl. The violence, the rage and all the ugliness came from a very dark place. I believe that is why when my parents did attempt a genuine effort to get saved when I was in high school; our family was attacked by dark spiritual forces aggressively.

Religion and faith are 2 different sides of the same coin, so to speak. Religion dominated our lives when my parents were in their religious phases; but like anything that burns white hot; it burnt out quickly. The ritualistic mannerisms of religion were a larger part of things, instead of a true unwavering faith. Everything was about seeing things or receiving things….not just blind, steadfast faith. Does that make sense? It was confusing and life was hard enough. It was easy to move away from God in the confusion.

I have always had faith in God. Ironically it is the one thing that I know has been a constant in my life. Despite all the horrible things, the struggles in my life; I never doubted God’s existence or blamed Him. That’s kinda shocking isn’t it? It is to me when I really think about it. Better than that, is knowing that despite all my reckless and destructive behaviors that manifested as a result of the abuses and dysfunction; God never gave up on me either. God never moves; we move.

I rebelled as a teenager, but nothing too extreme since I always maintained a very high grade point average, stayed on the honor roll and honor society in addition to extracurricular sports, theater, and working a part-time job since I was 12.  Yes, I drank a little, smoked a little weed and made a lot of mistakes with boys; but I wasn’t too big a rebel. I was actually a good kid, despite anyone noticing.

When you grow up feeling unloved and unworthy of love; love becomes a very strange and almost destructive force in your life. As a girl, being loved becomes paramount and it is very easy to get sucked into bad relationships because you thought it was “love”. The feeling of rejection devastated me. I think my desperation for wanting to feel loved/accepted/wanted/worthy was a double-edge sword for me personally.  I developed some seriously messed up thinking about guys, sex, intimacy,ect…. But I also developed a very strong work ethic, loyalty to people and determination to succeed and conquer my life; not be defined by its tragedies.

God doesn’t give us more than we can handle; but I sure felt like He was putting a target on me more than once in my life. I even remember saying out loud on numerous occasions that just because I CAN doesn’t mean I want to go through it to show I can handle it. I’m sure I’m not alone in that thinking.

As a young adult, on my own, I continued to make some destructive relationship choices, but I know God was always at work. I received a prophecy during my first marriage, to the father of my sons, and it was troubling for years. I was told that my entire family would be delivered up to heaven. I was struggling at the time emotionally and spiritually. I was pregnant, my husband was having an affair with the town ‘harlot’ (to be nice) and we lived in a small town where every one knew every one’s business. It was mortifying. To add to that, I lost one of the twins I was carrying early on in the pregnancy and then had to have a cancerous tumor removed during the 6th month of the remaining pregnancy. It was a difficult time. I was married, but abandoned. My husband would ‘visit’ continually for carnal relations and to make promises and tell lies; but in reality I was alone. I thought it was against God to divorce this man, so I stayed devoted to the prospect of reconciling.  I prayed continually. I worried about the salvation of my husband and my unborn child. When I received that prophesy I felt relief, but later as things deteriorated and after years of being played emotionally, I found myself divorced and the single mother of 2. I could not imagine how that prophesy fit my life. I struggled in every way, and I moved away from God. I moved, not God. God was still there, looking out for me; protecting me and guiding me though I did not know or see it. The broken roads had a determined route and destination.

In a weird way I know that I am/was a much more involved, overly-protective and hovering parent because I tried so hard NOT to be my own parents when I had children. I chose to break the cycle of abuse, to end the toxic relationships that fostered the cycles and to give my children and grandchildren a better foundation and influence of God.  I can only hope I succeeded. Either way, I know that God was always there with us and still is in each of their lives to this day, whether they acknowledge it or not (yet).

I learned to pray, to intercede in prayer for myself, my loved ones or others. I became a prayer warrior. Ever meet someone that when it comes times for a prayer or blessing, everyone kinda groans a little because that person doing it is super long-winded and REALLY gets into praying? I was that annoying person for a long time. Ask my kids.

The point is that no matter how many times I walked away, was lured away by the world or others, God remained steadfast and never moved from me.  I did learn one very strong and hard lesson; if you do not follow God’s will instead of your own- it’s going to be a long, hard journey.

I had to literally be in a situation of complete desperation before I finally got on my knees and prayed for whatever God wanted for my life and surrendered to Him. God immediately moved “mountains’ from my path and I could see and feel His presence daily and in every part of my life. Over time, I failed Him. I got caught back up with life’s events, wrong people and the world and again moved away from God.

Despite years of back-sliding then repenting; God never changed nor did the gifts He had already given me spiritually. As an adult my faith became more important to me, but equally important for my children to know and understand for themselves. I prayed over my boys their entire lives and still do to this day. The prayer has gotten longer, because they now have families that I pray for as well. In my current place in life, I see how that prophecy all those years ago was meant for me but at the time that I was where God wanted for me. I know my husband and my children are covered by the blood of Christ; they are not all delivered from their individual issues; but God is in control so I have no worries. That in itself is an awesome feeling.

If there is a point to this rambling, I suppose it is this: no matter where you are in life or what you have done; God is still there. Like a century guarding a great treasure, in all times of adversity; He remains steadfast and true to you- His treasure.

I disappoint God all the time. I know that because I feel great conviction over it. It is not intentional, but I can honestly say that I know I am falling short of what He wants for me. I also fully believe that God knows and understands all of my shortfalls, because He knows my heart. Despite getting off of His path for me, I have never denied or rejected God. I simply quit talking to Him at various times in my life. It wasn’t that I couldn’t find Him or hear from Him; I wasn’t listening. Perhaps reaching out to others, and proclaiming Him to the cyber world will create an introduction that otherwise may have never happened for someone else. Regardless, I know that I will never stop trying to reach God’s expectations for me.

With all that said, I know that time is running short for all of us. I have been following a research trail for close to a year and all paths lead to the same conclusions.  Understand this: every generation (God’s definition of time regarding a generation; not man’s) key elements and events have occurred to bring the world to the brink of God’s final chapter; only God determines that time. It is understandable that each generation has felt that their time was the end times, much like people still say today.  The great difference is that it is not just about prophecy coming true or scriptures being fulfilled; it’s about a timeline set in place by God when He determined that time began (it wasn’t at creation; just to give you a hint) and when time will end.  All the prophecies, scriptures and events had to happen in a specific order and simultaneously of each other; that has been the missing piece of the puzzle. All the pieces are in place now more than any other time in mankind’s history.

I have told those I am a Watchman for personally, and I will tell you the same. Each month for the rest of this year you need to be preparing and planning as if each month is your last month to get ready. You cannot be prepared enough for what is coming to the world.  Science and Theology are in accord with each other that the world is about to change in a way never experienced by humanity. There is no time to waste.

In today’s world, people are so caught up in their day to day lives that they literally don’t have the time and/or energy to study and be caught up on world and prophetic events. It’s understandable and also a great tool of diversion by the enemy.  Throw in social media, internet, TV, smart phones and tablets and there is a whole world of people existing in their own little bubbles completely clueless to the happenings of the world outside that bubble.  As a culture we have been completely indoctrinated into believing whatever we see/hear online or on the news as being a fact. It would shock most people to realize how much real news is actually reported and also how much it is filtered and shaped to be presented to us. Even I argue with my husband all the time because he is so cut off from the world and real news that he cannot believe the things actually happening. It is completely understandable for him to react that way, but it will not be an excuse for not being ready.

The earth is literally groaning and proclaiming the warning signs. They are going on everywhere. The key to all things in the Bible and end times is Israel- the physical location and the people (descendants of the 12 tribes). God always warns before he acts. He has been warning us for centuries with His Word, for generations with prophecy and now is proclaiming final warnings with signs, wonders, prophecies and world events. Things in the Bible are not as literal as people make them out to be or convey them to be to others. The Devil walks among us; killing, stealing, destroying all he can in an attempt to destroy and kill God’s people. Because Lucifer was the highest angel, before his fall, he rules over the Earth and uses everything and everyone to his purposes. There are lost generations that have turned away from God, without even truly knowing Him or of Him and those that have become so entangled with life and the going on of their own world; that they have pushed God out of their lives.

Open the Bible. Read it. Pray. God is not in a building. Do not put off finding God until you start going to church. Turn on a radio, go online, talk to someone… me if all else fails- but get your spiritual house in order for yourselves and your loved ones. Make a choice while you still have the freedom to make one. Unplug from technology, from the distractions of life and the world long enough to make a genuine effort to connect and find God for you. He is not the one that is lost; mankind is lost. Eternity is a long time to pay for not making the time and effort to meet God; especially since He is already there waiting.


I am a charismatic christian,constitutional conservative and proud American.

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