I have recently realized one of the most amazing things: I don’t care.
Let me explain: I have spent my ENTIRE life pleasing others, doing for others, and always putting myself last. I have never once regretted or resented these actions. I genuinely find great joy and happiness in doing something for someone else. The obvious exception to this has been social acceptable dress, actions, words, ect.. I never want to be out of the house and look hideous or embarrassing to my friends or family. I believe that the very basics are manicured/clean fingernails; hair brushed and out of my face, and clean/hole-free clothing. Of course with today’s fashions of torn, ragged pants it’s been a challenge at times. As my children were growing up, I was always overly conscience of never wanting to ever embarrass them by my appearance or behavior. Basically, even if I was willing to wear younger fashions or the skimpy outfits, I wouldn’t do it. I firmly believe that my personal appearance and behaviors reflect on those around me. If I act and dress like a teenager; then people are going to justifiably make negative remarks. Those negative remarks will be reflected on my loved ones, by association. When I see children in public acting like they are wild heathens, I look at the parents. When I see a young girl or young man acting foolish or dressed like streetwalkers; my first thought is to the type of parenting they appear to be lacking. Know what I mean?
That said, I thought turning 50 years old would be depressing or something negative. Truth be told, I never feel older until my children have birthdays. I can’t wrap my mind around the concept of having a 28 year old. So, turning 50 seemed uneventful personally. I really felt no differently than I did when I turned 49, 40, or 30 for that matter.
Last night I found the most liberating realization that has come with turning 50. I don’t care what people think about me at all. If I want to turn on my I Pod and dance around the house like a retard while I do my housework- who cares? Likewise, when I’m driving I crank up the music and enjoy it. Some things will always remain. I do and will always be conscience of my appearance- I’m still a lady.
My faith has always been something that I hold close and keep very private. I have and still continue to maintain a truly intimate relationship with God. I will on occasion post or say something that reveals the depth of my faith; but generally I keep my thoughts on the subject to myself. I have been seeking God my whole life and trying to make sense of everything. I found Him and the answers I have so desperately tried to understand.
I am a Watchman. God has made it very clear that this is only one of many gifts that He has blessed me with in my life. Since I was a teenager, and firth experienced the being in the presence of the Holy Spirit, I received the confirmation of the gift of discernment. I have ALWAYS been able to sense/feel the presence of either true holiness or pure evil; despite the outward appearance. I have personally had SEVERAL encounters with both angelic and demonic spirits but never openly spoke of them for fear of ridicule.
The deeper I have gone down the rabbit hole seeking not only the presence of God, but an understanding of His existence, the stronger these spiritual gifts have grown. I am the last true believer in my family, so expressing my faith or beliefs has not been easy. People are turned off by conversations of faith; it is the same within a family. Eventually, I found myself simply withdrawing and melding with my environment instead of being the thorn in everyone’s side. Guess what? Life is too short. In the last year, my search has brought me so much closer to God, but also given me a courage and indifference to the past worries of acceptance. I am the daughter of a King. The rest is irrelevant.
I recently began really verbally expressing not only my faith, but results of my research and journey to find God intimately. I have a very strong burden to write about my discoveries. I have been all over the place in trying to find the path, the media and the approach to my writing. I don’t want to be perceived as a lunatic. I admit it.
Recently, I was having a conversation with someone and in telling them what I felt God has been revealing to me, they as always, accepted and encouraged me. However, when the subject of telling someone else about these revelations, I was warned that the person I was going to approach would think I was crazy. That hit me hard. I immediately realized- I don’t care. Boom!!! Liberation!!!
Truly, we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. The world is changing rapidly and it will not be getting better for most people. God has really been revealing urgency to a lot of His people, me included. There is no longer time to pussyfoot around and be politically and socially correct- things are going to get sideways in this country and in this world. People need to hear hard, even crazy sounding, truths now.
I have a plan. I have a path. My writing is finally underway in a productive way. I may sound crazy to people. I may confirm what a lot of people already think themselves. Either way, I am using the voice God has given me and I don’t care what people think about it anymore.
To be continued….